After the events of december, I still find myself looking into a black void trying to remember something, anything that would be part of my life before the events of my suicide and I have been given information by others and nothing that I can find in myself as for my confidence is at a low I can’t explain, when someone tells me something that I can not draw upon it drives me mad with trying to remember. I know with some people It seems like remembering an emotion,, but the details elude me. I feel bad saying that I have to meet a person for the first time again. When I was released from the hospital I did not realize that there was a gap in my memories , Even before I got home i did not even recognize the apartment, the furniture the floors the layout, I found myself dependent on others for location and places of the recent, the more I delved into what i could remember the more i realized that there was a huge hole in my memories in the last 6 years, I feel bad i can not recognize something and it hurts worse that I know that this profound loss of memory hurts others…..
Well now…..
Well after posting for 15 years on my former site I’ve decided that i am going to give this a try again! This site is always dedicated to coffee and the world around me. So topics will be widely ranged. I feel now is a good time to restart things and I have mirrored all my old post which I admit was a pain in the ass to move. 
So with little fanfare I will say this site is open and the coffee is brewing!
Fucking fuck
You know. It sucks . My condition is getting worse. And I don’t know what to do . This post is currently being posted from a hospital.
It’s June ..
I’ve been updating a little more , its been missed but the atomic bullshit of the world pretty much made the last 3 years a blank spot. In a way I am glad I did not post and in another way I know i should of. Sometimes the clarity of the world is a bit brighter in pixels when you can weed out the bullshit. 
Bullshit is everywhere , Everyone trying to forward there own agendas just to do something what they want to do without care for others , and when its brought up its brought up in a way that they bring the person staying out into the bullshit. With all of the bullshit thought I remain happy in way , Happier than I’ve been in ages. I wake up knowing the bullshit is outside when I wake up and in parts of my body but none the less the mornings start bullshit freeish*.
The annoyance of where the bullshit starts is me, my bullshit body more specifically … I was given a bad hand in the genetics department and if I wrote everything down here that was known about my genetics you’d all go that’s bullshit. I live in pain day to day , and its really bullshit, to the point that I do not feel like bullshiting with people because my pain is to the degree of bullshit. The degree of things I do to keep myself going is pretty maddening to say the least, though I always say things could be worse. I spent the last year trying to get down on my medications in order not to feel like another bullshit situation that has darkened the last few years.
I’ve got to the point where therapy actually has done more harm than good and its really one of those moments that makes you reflect on what kind of bullshit I have to deal with. It is sad when the thing that is supposed to help me heal is actually diametrically opposed to what it actually did, The bullshit meter is off the charts on that one. 
Its getting to tough times , I am not sure where the future will lead and I know it will be tough but, I know this. I will wake up in the morning and I will say bullshit to the pain I know that will eventually curtail my days actions. I do what I can and I will continue to do what i can. I wake up in pain I goto sleep in pain. There was an episode of House that actually made an expression of how I feel . Here’s a quote.
For all the times I wake up in the morning thinking today will be good I am proven wrong with my body going bullshit and having the feeling of having a hot piece of glass shoved through my arm while having it frozen than hot water splashed liberally over it. It pisses me off , It punishes those around me since I cant do anything. I feel like I have no worth. Worse is when I try to hide my condition because I don’t compassion , I want to be normal and sometimes people just take advantage of It. I hide my pain for other peoples comfort and sometimes its a bit much and I withdraw. Sometimes keeping the “nice” face on is more of a pain than the pain it self. When I show myself its because I am comfortable and I know that who i show myself to cares. but otherwise If your going to walk over me or say something contrary to the position when you have no knowledge of , please keep your bullshit to yourself you’re contributing to global warming from the bullshit that’s spraying from your lips and all the hot air.
To which end.. the people who I let into my world and I let them see under my shell. I am glad they are there. They understand me and have kept me sane enough to wake up every morning and face the bullshit with a smile* (or whatever face i can muster that’s marginally better than agonized.) . Maybe they will never see this post but know this I love them very much for putting up with my bullshit.
Anyhow… Till next post.
PS: the word of the day is bullshit! (22)
More stuff.
Small updates for now due to my arm being messed up. Just trying to get my page set up for easier reading. Its not exactly finished so i’ll keep tinkering till I’m happy with the setup
Hello there.
Well I’ve been busy in a painful way.. had surgery on my elbow and it has not been the most pleasant of experiences. Recovering as i type this.. but it does feel like there has been a positive change.
I’ve been trying to make the site look a little better , its just for what i can use nothing really comes exactly close to what i want.
Its too quiet around here.
i’ve not updated in awhile and Its annoying me. since I’ve got surgery in a week and a half, i figured i’d get this site with some updates .