Im Alive.
Finding me. part II
After the events of december, I still find myself looking into a black void trying to remember something, anything that would be part of my life before the events of my suicide and I have been given information by others and nothing that I can find in myself as for my confidence is at a low I can’t explain, when someone tells me something that I can not draw upon it drives me mad with trying to remember. I know with some people It seems like remembering an emotion,, but the details elude me. I feel bad saying that I have to meet a person for the first time again. When I was released from the hospital I did not realize that there was a gap in my memories , Even before I got home i did not even recognize the apartment, the furniture the floors the layout, I found myself dependent on others for location and places of the recent, the more I delved into what i could remember the more i realized that there was a huge hole in my memories in the last 6 years, I feel bad i can not recognize something and it hurts worse that I know that this profound loss of memory hurts others…..
Finding me
I write this post in confusion , the events of my christmas have been harrowing to say the best. I sit in my own thoughts not knowing who i am through memory loss and tragically can not remember a number of years. I know i keep meaning to restart this site and Maybe i should contribute, for my health is not the best and my current status is unknown.
Well now.
Well Fuck all.. getting this all set back up again.. what a fucking pain!
Well now…..
Well after posting for 15 years on my former site I’ve decided that i am going to give this a try again! This site is always dedicated to coffee and the world around me. So topics will be widely ranged. I feel now is a good time to restart things and I have mirrored all my old post which I admit was a pain in the ass to move. 
So with little fanfare I will say this site is open and the coffee is brewing!
Hey all!
I’ve decided to move my blog to this site.. I need to keep that site a bit more useful for other things.
Fucking fuck
You know. It sucks . My condition is getting worse. And I don’t know what to do . This post is currently being posted from a hospital.
Holy Shit it’s only Tuesday!: A bit on things about things 1.
I know I have not posted too much over the year but I keep saying the same thing, I’ll fucking post at one point. Over the past year I have picked up another hobby- Interest. Archery.
You may think what the fuck. in all the interest in the world you come up with that! Well… yes … Yes I have .. Because if your are going to do something you might as well have fun doing it, In the past year I have had more issues with loosing the ability of moving my arms to a degree. It’s annoying, It makes me want to be like an old G I Joe. if the arm is fucked… add another. But , Anyways, I was in therapy at the time and I knew someone that took up archery , Their movements was exactly replicated what I was doing in therapy, And I thought to myself, Hey….. I can do this and destroy things……?
Well now… Fuck me I am in! Mind you it has not been the easiest road and Its been a journey into myself that made me realize how much I have lost. That day I went to a sporting goods store and tried my hand at shopping for a bow. At the very moment you enter a sporting goods store that’s bigger than your average Cumberland farms You will realize three things if you purchase something from a big box store.
- As much as the employees give you recommendations… They don’t know shit about things.
- The first purchase you make at a big box store in order to acclimate yourself to a new hobby will be a waste.
- What ever money you put out you will realize you should of gone to “X store” to begin with.
In those three things you will reflect and end up realizing every mistake you could possibly make is in the first 20 minutes of buying your first bow with no help. After you buy your first bow you will have delusions of grandeur, The first time you hit the center of the target you think your motherfucking Rambo, and can take out the army
But in Archery there is something that will snap you back into reality faster than an exploding tank. The first time you do it , its an awe inspiring shot of reality of how well you really know archery.
The first time you do that , You will reflect for a moment of how exactly you fucked up and attempt to never do that again and not two seconds later you will end up doing the same thing like a sadist on the weekend at a convention.
In almost a year , I have got some strength in my arms.
Its a good feeling to be able not to feel like you’re falling apart or even able to pick up things. Even with the advent of this I have my problems, fine coordination is out the window . but in the very least I can do a bit more . I figure this is a good starting point for now… but for now this is it and I will add more later.
-Mike
I keep looking at something and my life keeps me insane just enough to figure out I am forgetting this
Yes , I know .. It has been awhile, I am in a cycle of looking and than forgetting to update this site. It’s deplorable, It’s damn shitty at that. This site has existed nearly 11 years and It has had its share of ups and downs.
I feel kind of shitty in the thought I have let this site go to an almost non-existence. Its been a long three years and I can’t say that It was easy , I can not say it was hard either. Things are starting to look up. I have my sanity…. Maybe?
Somethings of course are starting to look down. My health has always been a contention in my life, I want to stay healthy and I cant say that I have kept up due to pain. I live in pain every day.
Well ….. FUCK
I have not posted in over two months. Here I’m sitting with a cracker in hand thinking what to do. Again fucking fuckity fucker. I keep forgetting to update here.